2-44: On Suffering
The Wisdom of Withholding
I’ve thought a great deal about suffering lately, especially in relation to my writings. Having written a substantial amount in the last two years, I got to thinking of how proud I am of putting my thoughts into words such that they can lead others to smile, laugh, and think. I’ve thought that if even a single other person expands their thoughts on a subject, or has a new perspective on something after reflecting on an essay, or interprets some of my self-proclaimed “advice” or “wisdom” in a way that alleviates their life of some suffering, that it would make my writing worthwhile. This is a very linear way of thinking, and unjustly undermines the good that can come from suffering and “living and learning” from your own mistakes rather than living your life through a lens of which advice you’ve received from whom.
After 95 essays, over 40,000 words, and almost two years of writing weekly, I view this analyses of life as certainly beneficial to my younger self and perhaps many others searching for thoughtful ways to interpret and understand the world. I’ve only very recently started to think through, if confronted with my younger self, if I would actually give myself these essays. Looking down at myself in the various personal ruts and pits of life that I have been in, as have we all, would I throw myself the rope needed to make the pain disappear with the snap of my fingers? At the times when I struggled to tread water, would I throw my past self the life ring? These are remarkably difficult questions to answer. Some days, especially in the aftermath of a difficult experience, it’s easy to say you would do anything to erase the pain. As time passes and you distance yourself from these lower moments, you will begin to see how much better you are for having experienced these lows. I am exponentially more emotionally formidable and self aware because of the challenges and suffering that I have experienced.
Today, as harsh as it may sound, I will stand above the pit and on the shore and withhold the rope and life ring. I take a deep breath when saying that, because it is far from an easy decision. In a conversation with my younger self, younger me would ask, “why?” and would beg for the life ring. Current me, with a solemn face, would say, “In time, you will understand.”